Two years.

"Because love, at its most beautiful and sacred, can be brutally unromantic. It's about sacrifice, commitment and friendship. People don't really fall in love as much as they work their way there." [from here]

It's been a long time since I last wrote. December is crazy, especially when you work in the church (or two). And I haven't really known what to say. But today is our two year wedding anniversary, and it seems like there should be something said about that.

I can't say that these two years have been perfect. Adventurous, busy, full of change, and exciting, yes. But not perfect. To be honest I've made many mistakes that I wish I could take back. But marriage isn't about perfection. If it was, no one would be married. No, it seems to me that marriage is concomitantly beautiful and challenging because it requires you to love another person better than yourself, to care about the needs and desires of another person as much as your own, to identify and admit your own flaws because of their affect on the person you hold most dear. Our partner, or rather, our desire to love our partner well, can motivate us to make these changes and become better people. But this process is terribly challenging, because we (or, at least, I) can be very self-centered beings, and these changes are not at all easy.

In the past two years I have moved across state lines and fallen in love with a new city. We made dinners without a kitchen and washed dishes in the bathtub. I graduated from college and found a job.  I cheered Drew on as he got a new job and finished his M.Div. We've made wonderful friends and have gone to a lot of weddings. We adopted a dog and learned to love even more. We have shared successes and failures. We have had great times and some not-so-great times. I can see my growth in some areas, and see where I have a lot more work to do in others.

But these two years are gone, and I can't wish them back. What I can do is press on. Marriage is the most challenging commitment I have ever made, and it is only with God's grace that I can hope to do it well, and believe that in two more years I will have made some more progress. Not for the sake of "success" in the world's eyes, but because I love my husband, and I would hope that in two more years I would have learned to love him better.

So, my love, here's to you. For putting up with me and my crazy, confusing, and often selfish ways. For helping me to be brave and believing in me when I'm unsure of myself. For encouraging me to try new things. For sharing your family with me and for loving mine. For the impromptu gifts, late night waffle dates, and for killing spiders for me. You may be the most challenging commitment I ever made, but you're also the best one. Two years behind us, forever in front of us.

Happy Anniversary :)

It's that time of year...

... when having no desire to shop is problematic.

I love Christmas, and I love giving people gifts. But for some reason, this year I'm suffering from some shoppers-block. I have absolutely no idea what to get for people, and little time or energy to go out looking for things.

I mean, I know that my family is going to love me no matter what, but I still feel kind of lame that I can't think of anything to get people, you know?

So here's to hoping that I am struck by some great ideas in the very near future. But more importantly, here's to only a few short weeks before Drew, Stan and I pack the car and drive up to the [hopefully not too] cold North to spend time with those we love.

Waiting Expectantly

11 For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. 12 Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. - Jeremiah 29:11-12

 14 The days are surely coming, says the Lord, when I will fulfill the promise I made to the house of Israel and the house of Judah. 15 In those days and at that time I will cause a righteous Branch to spring up for David; and he shall execute justice and righteousness in the land. 16 In those days Judah will be saved and Jerusalem will live in safety. And this is the name by which it will be called: "The Lord is our righteousness."
- Jeremiah 33:14-16

It's been a busy week since we got back from our Thanksgiving in Colorado. One of those weeks where I drove to the church a two nights after I got off of work so I could see my husband for 15 minutes before he went into a meeting. Where the dishes didn't get done for awhile, and we ate out a couple of times. But our Sundays are generally about the same: we get home from church, Drew falls asleep on the couch watching football, I fool around on my computer while kind of watching football, and Stan paces around wishing we were more exciting :P It's a ritual that I enjoy.

Now it's December, and Advent has started. Advent is the start of a new church year. It is a time of expectation and hope.  We read the prophecies foretelling Jesus' birth, we light the candles, we remember this crazy thing that God did those many years ago.

It's kind of funny to me that every year we go through this practice of "waiting expectantly." We wait in assurance that God will be faithful and honor the promise that He has made to us.  It's funny, because you'd think after all this practice we would be better at doing it in real life. But let's be honest, it's easy to wait expectantly for something we know has already happened. We begin each Advent knowing what the outcome is: the Messiah.

When it's our own lives, though, waiting is not a strength of ours. We are impatient people bred in a culture of instant gratification. We get upset when our internet page takes more than 5 seconds to load, when we can't get something shipped in two days, or when the McDonalds' worker asks us to pull our car up to wait for our order. And that's just the small stuff. What about when we're waiting to hear back about that dream job we interviewed for? Or waiting to meet that special someone? When we're waiting for medical test results, or about a scholarship to our first-choice school, waiting expectantly is not what we want to do. We want God to give us whatever outcome we desire, and the sooner the better.

When Jeremiah was prophesying, it was in the darkest of times. The temple had been destroyed. The people were taken off into captivity. The majority of Jeremiah's writings are full of grief and loss. Yet, Jeremiah still spoke of God's promises. He reiterates that God's plans are good and that they will come to fruition. Even as the world around him was burning, Jeremiah waited expectantly for the righteousness of his Lord.

The timing of this post and of these reflections of mine are not coincidental. My Aunt Lori will be having surgery tomorrow morning in Buffalo to remove a tumor from her brain. From what I know, the tumor is in a good location and the surgery is expected to go well, but of course we're all worried and anxious for the ordeal to be over with. Also, Drew's grandfather is in the hospital right now with some heart complications, and we are not sure what that means or what's going to happen next for him. And there are many other people in the midst of this Advent season who are grieving due to sickness or death in their families, because of lost jobs,  separation from family members, because of homes destroyed by natural disasters, or ravaged by war.

So what is there to say to myself and my family as we pray for Lori tomorrow, to Drew and his parents as they worry about Grandpa Dale, and to everyone touched by fear and sadness at the beginning of this most joyous season of Advent? Remember Jeremiah. Jeremiah, the weeping prophet. Jeremiah, who complains and lashes out in despair as he watches the place where his people encounter God toppling over, and his countrymen taken away from their promised land. Jeremiah, who would not see the righteousness he prophesied about in his lifetime, but spoke the Word of the Lord for the generations to follow. Jeremiah, who knew, though all seemed lost, that God was still good. Jeremiah, who waited expectantly for the promise that we have already received: Immanuel, God with us.

21 But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: 22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; 23 they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 24 "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." 25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul that seeks him.
- Lamentations 3:21-25

Confused Thankfulness [#3]

It's 1:19 a.m., so I can officially say Happy Thanksgiving to y'all.

Last year when I was up this late (or, early, rather) on Thanksgiving it was because we were getting ready to host our first Thanksgiving dinner. This year I'm not cooking anything, and I'm pretty ok with it ;)

No, this year we are traveling for Thanksgiving. In a few short hours we will drive to the airport and get on a plane to Colorado to spend the holiday weekend with Drew's parents, our sister-in-law and her family, and finally meet our nephew, Benjamin.

One of my favorite pics of the little guy so far :)

The traveling will be crazy for sure, but I'm excited to spend a few days with Drew where neither of us have work expectations, to see family we don't get to spend time with often, and to get as much of this precious boy as possible.

We're leaving for the airport at like 3:30 a.m., so I decided to just stay up and keep busy in hopes that once we get on the plane, I'll be so exhausted that I can't help but fall asleep, no matter how uncomfortable I may be. Drew decided to go to bed a couple hours ago, so I've been enjoying some introvert time, cleaning, packing, and putting up the Christmas tree.

[blurry pic of the tree from Photobooth]

I've been thinking some about growing up. My brother and his fiancee are spending Thanksgiving in NY with my family, and she tweeted earlier about it being her first holiday away from home. I realized as I responded with support to her, that this is my 6th [major] holiday from home. I was a bit taken aback by that. I can't believe how quickly these last few years have gone. That first holiday away is such a big thing. Now it's a fact of life. It's not any easier to know what I'm missing by not being in my childhood home surrounded by the family who raised me. I'm still looking forward to the next time I'll be in that place with those people, and in the years to come I will always hope that we can spend these particularly special days of the year with them.

But, I find myself torn this Thanksgiving. Torn between all the different places I want to be. I want  to be in Fredonia, playing Dutch Blitz with Tom and Cait, helping my Mom get the house ready for dinner tomorrow, seeing all my cousins and eating way too much of Nana's stuffing. But I also want to be in Colorado, meeting my nephew and spending time with Drew's parents and Michelle and her family. And I want to be in Ohio, with the rest of Drew's family and Matt and Karen and our godsons. And, truth be told, I want to be in Durham, spending a few days at our home without having to worry about work, cuddling with Stanley and making dinner for our friends and students who are staying behind this weekend.

I've lamented before about how it's hard growing up and having work and other responsibilities keep you from the things you want to do and the people you want to see. It's been hard for me, a person raised with so much family so close to me, to live this far away. But, I think tonight, I'm realizing that it's hard growing up because, as you grow, so does your capacity to love. And the more you love, the more there is to miss.

So to all my family and dear friends, I wish a very Happy Thanksgiving. For those I will not see this holiday, I miss you terribly, but I'm thankful that I have you to miss.

Just to say something

It's been over a week since I blogged asking y'all to pray for me about a job situation. For the reasons surrounding that post and otherwise, much of last week wasn't great. I thought about blogging a couple times, but I had no idea what to write about, so I didn't. I'm not sure I have much to write about today, but sometimes you just need to say something, you know?

I would still covet your prayers over my job stuff. With Drew's encouragement, I did give notice to my boss, saying that I would not work past Christmas. It was hard, and I'm still nervous about finding something else, but I know it is what's best for my health and sanity, and I'm grateful that Drew helped me feel ok about that. We've been really blessed to find out that we'll be receiving some financial support from one of our churches in the near future, so I'm thankful that God is providing in that way as I continue to search for a way to make some more money for us.

Despite the less than stellar week, the weekend was fun because our [newly engaged] friends from Ashland, Cameron and Sara, came for a visit! The timing could not have been better as Durham graced us with a beautiful 70 degree weekend. It was so nice to catch up and visit with them, especially at such an exciting time in their lives!

Monday I worked both jobs and got home just in time to see Drew off to a dinner meeting. Rather than mope around by myself, I corralled my little bro and talked my parents through getting google plus so that we could all do a google hangout. Best. Idea. Ever.

Dad, Mom, and [really old] Chip the Dog

Tom discovered the Effects App

 

 

 Arrrrr!

Tom has a cake, and I have a party hat.

It was pretty great. Since Drew and I are heading to Colorado for Thanksgiving, I won't get to see my family again until New Years', so I'm very grateful to Google for developing such cool software, even if we are letting them take over the world.

So, while I'm still stressed and unsure about the job situation, it's good to remember that I'm blessed with wonderful friends and family.

That's something worth saying.

Prayers, Please

Hello friends -

If you've read some of my earlier posts, you know that I'm working a part-time job right now that is causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. I've been trying to find something to replace it for awhile now, and finally thought I had something lined up. But yesterday that job fell through. Not gonna lie, I'm pretty sad about it.

Drew was gone so I called my mom. She let me cry and said she was sorry, and also reminded me that God still has something in store for me. I know that's true, but at that moment I was still pretty upset.

Once I got off the phone I got back on Craigslist to look at what jobs were listed, and I found an ad for a job that is exactly what I want to do. Seriously. This morning I called the woman to see if she was still accepting resumes. She said that she already has a lot of applicants to wade through, but that I could send her my information, so I did.

At this point I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm really hoping that this is the door God is opening as the other one was shut. So I'm coveting your prayers for this. That something about my resume would stick out to this woman and I would get an interview, or that another opportunity would come up. I guess mostly that I would still know that God is taking care of me through all of this and that He is going to provide. It's something that I know in my head but am struggling to remember in my heart.

Confused Thankfulness [#2]

Praying tonight for those in the midst of Hurricane Sandy. [See this earlier blog post for some other thoughts about the hurricane]. I have a lot of family up North but fortunately they don't seem to be in any serious danger right now. I know this can change quickly, but for now I'm thankful. 

Thankful is something I've been feeling more often in the last week. My job situation is still not ideal, but Monday-Wednesday some opportunities presented themselves and things are looking up. Thursday night I had a great time with Drew & Duke Lutherans [more on that later]. 

Friday night I babysat a couple adorable little girls so a Div. student couple could get a night out. I was happy to help them, but in the end I know I got the best end of that deal. Reading on the couch with a two and four year old curled up on either side, and then listening to them sing each other nursery rhymes when I [unsuccessfully] tried to get them to go to sleep. Yep, I was definitely thankful for that.

 Saturday we did some much needed cleaning before going to a friend's house for a Halloween party. Great food, got to catch up with friends, and OSU won. All things to be thankful for.

Sunday I slept in [reallllly late] which I haven't been able to do in a long time. Simple thing to be thankful for, but thankful nonetheless.

But, to return to a previous thought, it's Duke Lutherans that have been a big reason for this thankfulness. Thursday night we had a pumpkin carving party outside at St. Paul's new fire pit. It was a beautiful 70+ degree day, and I got to build the fire, so I was a happy girl. But those silly things aside, it's our students that bring me to this place of appreciation. It's such a joy to work with these people in this exciting and tumultuous time of their lives. And it's a joy to see Drew as he steps further into his call to work with them. The last three months have changed some of our plans, and for brief moments made us question what we were getting ourselves into with this whole "work in the church" thing. But those doubts can't last long when we're with these kids. They're the reason we're doing this. They're the call.

Drew summed it up nicely in his facebook status that night:

At some point during Sacred Space, the weekly small group event for Duke Lutherans, for the first time in a while I simply stopped and looked at our group. A few fully funded graduate students carving pumpkins along with a couple of NCAA Division 1 scholarship athletes. The leader of Antic Shakespeare enjoying the fire with the social chair of a sorority and museum curator to be. A PreMed Religion Major and an undeclared musician leading the charge for comedic relief and the first sloth/gourd fusion known to humankind. Others of us - fraternity brothers & coxswains, theologians & biologists, and many more unnamed - joined us in spirit. And I thought to myself, quite literally, "My God, what a wonderfully eccentric group," quickly followed by "My God, Thank you for this group, each of these people, this church which you entrust to me, with which you bless me, in which you show me your love and purpose for the world." Each of them - each of you - bless me, bring me life and light through Jesus, who binds us all together in our eccentricity.

[Now someone just has to tell us how we're supposed to say goodbye to these guys in May...]

So many books

“You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.”
  - C.S. Lewis

 I love reading.

I used to be quite the reading fiend. As a child I always had a book with me. I would get in trouble for staying up too late reading in my room, or for trying to read during church. And I read super fast, which sometimes led people to believe I was skipping pages. I wasn't. They were just jealous :P

I think I love reading for the same reason I love TV/movies. I love getting caught up in a good story, getting lost in a world that someone else created, getting attached to characters who are well-developed. I'll be honest, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I like a good love-interest storyline in any kind of story.

Once you get into higher education, it's sometimes difficult to read for pleasure. That was definitely true for me. The end of my high school and the duration of my college careers included a lot of reading, but not of my own choosing. In the past year, though, the practice has been coming back to me, and I'm pretty excited about it. I got a Durham County library card earlier in the summer, and Drew bought me a tablet/e-reader for my birthday, so now there's no stopping me. Last night I stayed up way too late finishing a book. Part of me regretted it this morning when my alarm went off, but it was totally worth it.

Some of my reading list for 2012 (not necessarily in order):
- I had never read the Harry Potter books as a kid, so I read the whole series in January/February of this year. They were phenomenal. J.K. Rowling did such a great job creating that world and those characters in a consistent and holistic manner. Really enjoyed them, so much so that I re-read them during the summer :P
- The Hunger Games series I finished in a weekend (before the first movie came out). Loved the first book, the second two were less great, but as a whole I still really enjoyed the series.
- Had to get some classics in there so I re-read Pride and Prejudice, and read for the first time Mansfield Park.
- A friend gave me Pamela Aidan's Darcy Trilogy. Aidan is a librarian and Austen lover, and she wrote these three books from the perspective of Pride & Prejudice's Fitzwilliam Darcy. They were also fantastic. True to the details that Austen provides, but creates a whole new world and side of that love story. If you like P&P, you should definitely check them out.
- I read Shadow & Bone by Leigh Bardugo after seeing news that the producer of the Harry Potter movies was going to produce this movie as well. I liked it. It was well-written, nothing spectacular but enjoyable. Of course, I'd forgotten how lame it is to read series as they are being written, because then you have to wait forever for the next one. It's much nicer to read the series after they're all released. But alas, I guess I'll wait.
- The Matched Trilogy. Fortunately, the first two books in this series are already released, and the third will be out next month, so not as much waiting ;) Also a cool read. Dystopian future big-brotherish setting. Girl starts questioning. Love triangle. Predictable, maybe, but I'm easy to please.
- I Am Number Four and following books. They made a movie out of the first book last year sometime, which I enjoyed, and I saw the books at the library website so I decided to read them. Drew's turned me into a bit of a sci-fi nerd, and this series is about aliens, but it's a cool story. I'm currently waiting to read the third one, but someone's not returning it to the library. Jerks.
- And the book I finished last night: Throne of Glass. Found this randomly on Amazon and after reading some reviews decided to buy it with some birthday Amazon money. According to the author's website, this was her inspiration for the book: “What if Cinderella was an assassin, and went to the ball not to dance with the prince, but to kill him?” That was intriguing enough for me, and I thought it was great. I'm hoping it becomes a series. And soon.

That's all I can recall right now. Going to try to stop myself from finding anything new for the rest of the week so my house will get cleaned and I can get some sleep. But, for next week, any suggestions for more books?

Dreaming

“God can't give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing.”
- C.S. Lewis

I'm not in love with my jobs right now.

My job at church that I've been doing for awhile is ok,
but the new job I've taken on is giving me a lot of anxiety.
Like, a lot.

I've been looking around for another part-time job to try to replace it, but no luck so far, and sometimes that really gets me down. I don't want to complain about it. I'm lucky to have one job, let alone two. It's really not that bad, I should be able to suck it up. But there are days that the work causes such distress in me that it's all I can do to not break down in tears.

Sometimes I let myself dream about the future. I'm holding out for that day when I'll enjoy the work I do. Not that it won't have it's own stresses, or that every day will be perfect, but that ultimately the work I do will bring me joy.

I don't know exactly what that looks like, or when it will happen, but I'm still dreaming. And praying. Praying that God will either provide a different job for me right now, or that He will give me peace about what I'm currently doing. Praying that He would teach me to dream, and help me figure out how to make those dreams reality. And praying that, in the midst of all this, that I would still know peace in Him. I could definitely use some Peace.

Another week down

It's crazy how fast this year has gone. It can't be that we've been in this new apartment for 5 months already. That the summer came and went. That Thanksgiving is only 6 weeks away. That Drew and I got married almost two years ago. But alas, it seems all those things are true!

The year may be flying by, but right now I'm enjoying my Saturday. We slept in until after ten, made pancakes for breakfast, and now we're watching football loving the sunshine and cool breeze coming through the window.

This week wasn't too exciting. Mostly recovering from our weekend trip. But here are a few fun/random things to share:

- Drew and I had several "we're an old married couple" moments last week. The first was when we got super excited that our electricity bill was only $65. The second was when we went on a coupon frenzy at target and saved like $30. Yep, this is our life. We're cool with it :)

- This is my turkey friend. He's been hanging out my my church for the past several days. I think he got separated from his pals, and liked to see his reflection in the glass doors, so that's where he's stayed. Scared me to death the first time I saw him peering in the window, but he grew on me.

- I joined Instagram and Twitter in the past week. Judge me or love me. Whatev :P

- It's been cool here in Durham but today it was sunny and Stan decided to take advantage. He is such a sweetheart, and several times a day I find myself thanking God for the joy he has brought to our lives.

- A newer pic of our cutie nephew, Benjamin :) Got to skype with brother & sister-in-law earlier in the week and see this handsome guy. Everyone is healthy and happy and we're thrilled.

- Last night the youth at our church had a lock-in and Drew and I joined them for their bonfire. Stan was a hit with the kids, and I got to use my fire-building skills and teach the kids the "Tarzan Song" I learned at Camp Findley. It was pretty awesome.

- My handsome husband is officially getting installed as Vicar at St. Paul's tomorrow morning. I'll be sure to post some pics :)

That's all I got. Happy Saturday!

And suddenly... bagpipes!

Weekends are too short.
Especially weekends with family.

In case you missed my super excited post about home a couple weeks ago, this past weekend Drew, Stanley and I made the [10-hour] trek up to western NY for my cousin's wedding. This officially ended Wedding Season 2012 for us. Between May and October we were invited to 7 weddings in 4 different states. Drew made it to four, I made it to five. It was crazy busy, but I loved it. It's so wonderful to be able to celebrate with people we love.

Thursday after work, we packed up our car and drove North. We got in after midnight, but Dad waited up for us, so we chatted with him for awhile. We finally crawled into bed around 2 a.m., but sleep was short lived, as both my body and Stanley woke up about 7:30 a.m. when we normally do, ready for the day. It was ok, though, because I wanted to soak up every minute I had. The trees had just started to turn, the grapes were ripe on the vine, it was sweatpants weather... pretty much perfection.

Later we walked down the farm and visited with Nana & Nano, took my dad out to lunch for his birthday, and took a 4-wheleer ride through some of the back property that Drew hadn't seen before. It was cool to have Dad play the tour-guide and tell us more about the family land.

Then it was spaghetti time! Weekly spaghetti with the family is one of the things I miss most about my childhood, so it's something I try to arrange every time we make it home. Friday did not disappoint :) We had over 30 people stuffed in our house, eating, laughing, and catching up. Plus we watched Avengers after dinner. What could be better than that? After everyone left I again stayed up way too late chatting with Tom and Caitlin about life, school, and wedding plans. Their wedding is set for the end of July, and I absolutely cannot wait.

Saturday, after some morning shoe shopping with my mom, we all headed up to Buffalo for the wedding. Though there was some stress/frustration about organization (or lack thereof) by the venue, it all worked out in the end.  I hadn't gotten to spend a ton of time with Angela during her engagement, but before the ceremony Jess, Alissa and I got to steal a minute alone with her in the bride room to snap a picture and pray together.

The room for the ceremony/reception was gorgeous, and the ceremony was beautiful. Once the couple had been announced and the first kiss was over, we heard... bagpipes? Yes, indeed. A kilted man playing bagpipes was walking in the door. Apparently the groom loves bagpipes and has always wanted bagpipes played for him, so Angela and her mom surprised him by hiring someone to play them for the recessional. It was pretty sweet :)

Then... it was party time :) The food was great, the bar was open, and the dance floor was packed. This is the only point of the weekend I actually took pictures, so here are a few.

Me & my handsome husband.

We clean up nice :)

All 6 of us!

My girls <3

 Grandkids +

 

Me & the Bride!

Unfortunately the night had to end. We drove back to Fredonia, ate some pizza and played Dutch Blitz with Tom & Cait, and then went to bed. Sunday was lost in the 10-hour drive back, but the weekend was definitely worth it. It's always sad to leave, but it was nice to get back to Durham and know that, though we had just left one home, we had returned to another one.

Blessed

My life is not perfect. It's full of struggle and sin.
But sometimes, even in the middle of that strife,
I am struck by how incredibly blessed I am.

This is my little cousin, Grace. Yesterday was her 6th birthday. I held Gracie in the hospital the day after she was born, and like her older siblings I've been blessed to watch her grow up. I cannot wait to see this dear one [and all the rest of my cousins!] in just a few days time.

 

This is our nephew! Baby Tucker was born yesterday afternoon, weighing in at 7 lbs and 20 inches long. No name as of yet, but Mom and Baby are healthy, and we are so incredibly thankful :) Unfortunately we have to wait until Thanksgiving to meet this little guy, but we're grateful for cameras and the internet so we can get our fill of this boy in the meantime!

The students who make up Duke Lutherans are a steady source of joy for Drew and me. Working with these incredibly gifted people as they are growing and discovering what they want their lives to be is such a gift. And they're pretty fun ;) In the last couple weeks two of our students have written two very different but amazing articles that you should totally read. "What the Disney Princesses Got Right: College Edition" is hilarious and full of some good advice. "Remembering Lessons of Cancer" is thoughtful and convicting. I encourage you to check both of them out, and then be jealous of the cool people that Drew and I get to live amongst here in Durham :)

Just 2.5 more days of work, and then NY bound.
Lord, give me strength.

Confused Thankfulness

I've been thinking about this post since last night, unsure of if/how I wanted to write about what's on my mind. It definitely won't be the most well-crafted blog I'll ever write, but I would like to share my thoughts anyway.

It started last night with a conversation with Drew's brother and sister-in-law, who are expecting their first baby within the next couple of weeks. Without divulging too many personal details, I'll simply say that, thanks to a recent change in doctors, a problem that may have been overlooked at the previous hospital was noticed in time to prevent the baby from being in danger.

Upon hearing the news, my first response was to be grateful. I breathed a sigh of relief and a prayer of thanks to God for watching over our loved ones, born and unborn. It was a reminder of His faithfulness that I too often overlook, in such a tangible and dear situation that it was hard to grasp.

But that gratefulness was rivaled by some confusion and sadness as well, because of other stories of people not so fortunate. Of babies lost, due to circumstances that may have been prevented if noticed earlier.

Now, this post is in no way meant to degrade medical professionals or our healthcare system. No, my confusion in all this is centered around my faith, or rather, the One in whom I have faith.

I struggled last night with thanking God for delivering my family from a tragedy, when I knew other families are mourning the loss we were spared.

Why? This is what plagues me. Why were we so fortunate, when others were not? I believe God hears and answers prayer. I know Drew and I have prayed protection and health over our sister-in-law and the baby, but that thought does not settle me. What of the other families? What of their prayers? How can I be grateful for Providence in our situation when it seems lacking for others?

I studied Religion at Ashland. I've had the Problem of Evil discussions. I know that for thousands of years people have dedicated their lives to this project, and it still confounds us. I don't know that I have any observations worth discussing, or anything close to resembling an answer. I simply felt compelled to share my struggle.

I don't understand, but I continue to be thankful in the midst of my confusion. And I'll continue to hate and struggle with the evil and pain in this world, while believing in the good God who created the world. Why? Because I believe that God's heart is grieved as well. Because this broken world fraught with struggle and pain is not what He wants for us, and He has promised deliverance.

[Home]

Angela, one of my [many] cousins, is getting married next weekend, which means Drew and I will be spending a couple days in Fredonia. The last time we were in WNY together was New Years. I spent about 48 hours there this summer for another wedding, but that's it.

To say I'm excited would be an understatement.

Don't get me wrong, I love the home that Drew and I have made in Durham, and I will be very sad when it comes time to move. But there's just something about being in the place you grew up. The familiarity, the comfort, the sights, sounds and smells. And that's just the physical place. Add into the mix my ridiculously large family who still reside in Fredonia, and it gets even better :)

Being in the family house on the family farm is something I love. It's a bonus that it's the beginning of fall! The grapes will be ripe, the chestnut trees will smell amazing, and hopefully it'll still be warm enough to sit out on the porch and enjoy the scenery. Angela conveniently chose a wedding date that coincides with my Dad's birthday, and I'm pumped to be able to be with him on his actual birthday for the first time in I don't know how long. Dad's not a huge "celebrate me" person, but it'll be nice to have the whole family together, even if we're just talking on the couch or playing cards.

I mean, who wouldn't want to see these beautiful people?? For all the cool things 2012 has been, it has also been the year that I have seen my family (immediate and otherwise) the least in my entire life. Mom, Dad and Tom came down here for Drew's graduation, and then I saw Mom and Dad again in Ohio for Drew's grandma's funeral, but that's it. I know that's what happens when you grow up, but it's still lame. I also know that distance isn't all a bad thing. We're all different and independent people, and probably would drive each other crazy if we all lived under the same roof 365 days a year. But going 10 months with less than a week of facetime with the ones who I have spent most of my life with is crazy. I'm not sure it'll get better over the next couple years, so I'm going to enjoy every second I get to spend with these dear ones.

PLUS as if a regular reunion weren't enough excitement, Tom and Cait are now ENGAGED! I can't wait to give my brother a congratulatory hug, gush over the ring, and talk with my soon-to-be sister about wedding plans.

So here's hoping the next week goes fast, that this lingering cough goes away, and that travel goes smoothly. Because I can't wait to pull up that long stone driveway, let Stanley out of the car and watch him run around the home that I grew up in, to pick a few grapes to eat, to hug my parents, to ride around on the 4-wheeler with Drew, to marvel at how big my little cousins are getting, to eat spaghetti, and to watch my beautiful cousin walk down the aisle.

Monday, Monday

And here we are, at the beginning of another week.
Remembering how sick I felt last Monday, though, I'm not going to complain about this Monday, because other than a lingering cough, I feel much better.

This past weekend included:

- Going out for Italian with some neighbors on Friday night. I don't often get excited about Italian, because the only Italian I really crave is Nana's spaghetti, but dinner was delicious and our neighbors are fun and it was very nice.

- Saturday and Sunday I spent several hours helping out a family in town for a wedding. There were about 65 of them, and they were Orthodox Jews. Basically I spent my time in a hotel room that had been transformed into food central. The mother of the groom who hired me went to Costco and bought enough to feed a small country, but as Friday-Saturday night was the Sabbath, they needed some help, so I opened a lot of containers, turned on lights, and cleaned up. Surprisingly it was really fun. I like being there to help people be less stressed so they can enjoy time with family. And in addition to being paid for that time, we got a ton of leftover snack food, so Drew and I will eat well this week.

- In between working on Saturday, Drew and I stopped in at Duke Hospital to meet our dear friends' new baby girl! Ms. Isla Rowan Lee Baker was born on Friday night, and she is precious.

[Drew holding little Isla, and her Dad, Adam]

- Saturday night I had a bunch of Duke Lutheran gals over to bake and watch movies. It was super fun. Tangled and How to Train Your Dragon are both excellent movies that you should watch. As soon as possible. Plus two of the girls made a raspberry & strawberry pie (with crust from scratch), I made a pumpkin pie on graham cracker crust (per Drew's request), and we made these lemon bars. Holy crap. So bad for you. So extremely delicious.

- Sunday I woke up way too early to go back to the hotel and continue helping out. So when I got back, I took a shower and promptly fell asleep :P After waking up and hanging with Drew for awhile, I then went out and laid in the sun since it was almost 80 degrees. Living in the South is awesome. The day ended with Duke Lutheran's worship (you should totes check out Drew's sermon. It was legit), and watching the Emmy's.

All in all, I'll call it a success. Plus, there's so much to look forward to in the near future! How I Met Your Mother premieres tonight (!), I just got some great new books from a friend, and now it's only 10 days until Drew, Stan and I head up to New York for my cousin's wedding. Most excellent.

[Another great JJ Heller song you should listen to]

[Pinterest] Weekend Adventures

Mondays are lame.
Being sick on a Monday makes it even more lame.


In short, I hope your Monday was better than mine :)

Despite the super lame Monday, this weekend was pretty great.
Drew and I took Stanley out to the Eno River on Friday. It was pretty great. Stan is hilarious in the water, enjoying himself until it gets a little deeper than he was expecting, at which point he leaps and bounds every which way until he finds his way to higher ground.

[grainy cell phone picture of my two boys at the river]

Saturday was lazy. Went to Buffalo Wild Wings and watched the OSU game with Drew. 

Then it was baking time :)

I had to help with dinner for Duke Lutherans this weekend, so of course I volunteered to do the desserts.

I made these cookies [from here]. Brown butter chocolate chip cookies with nutella in the middle.

Yep, they were as good as they sound. Do yourself a favor and go make them. Now.

And I made two of these cakes [from here]. I put chocolate chips in one of them, just for good measure. It was also a hit.

Oh Pinterest, how I love thee.

Oh, and to continue my Pinterest kick, I made a version of these for some friends tonight. 

I heard they were well received also.

So, if you're looking something to brighten up your Monday, I would recommend any of these. But especially the cookies. Seriously. Make them now, thank me later :)

Belonging

I got to spend this past weekend at Carolina Beach with Drew and some of our Duke Lutheran students. Despite still being in some pain, it was pretty great. 
[p.s. i seem to be turning the corner in the pain department. the last two days have been much better. thanks for all your prayers. if you don't know what i'm talking about, read my post from last week.]

The theme Drew chose for DL this year is "Belonging," and we focused on it during our sessions over the weekend. It's been an interesting idea for me to process, as the past two years have brought such changes for me that I haven't always known where I belonged, or felt like I belonged where I was. Or, worse, I've struggled with knowing that I do belong in a particular place, and feeling like I'm not good enough to be there.

On Saturday morning our friend Aaron led the discussion, and his topic was "We Belong in God's Marvelous Light." Several of his points really hit home with me, and I'm still mulling them over:

- At one point it was discussed why we might not want to be in the light. I suggested that it's because you can't hide when it's light. All is exposed, everything is made known. That's not a comfortable thing. Sometimes we prefer darkness, because we can keep our secrets hidden.

- Then, he talked about the Creation story in Genesis. In the story about Adam and Eve we read that one of the first effect's of sin is that, no longer feeling like they belonged in such close proximity to their Creator, Adam and Eve hid from God.  God had made them to belong in that place, to belong with Him, and rather than stay in that light, they hid in the darkness

Then Aaron said two things that really stuck out to me:

It's lonely to walk in darkness.
It's hard to belong when you're hiding.

Yeah.

The cost of keeping our dirty laundry from being exposed in the light is banishing ourselves into darkness. The downside of hiding from what we don't want to face, is that we can't be where we really belong.

God has called us to something greater.

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." (1 Peter 2:9)

I'm definitely not good at exposing myself to the light. In the short term, hiding is generally more comfortable for me. But let's be honest, darkness is not where we belong. My soul craves the light, it wants to come out of hiding. My heart is restless.

I need to be in His marvelous light.

Finally Friday

Not a lot of words tonight. I'm waiting for Drew and the rest of the Duke Lutherans to join me at the beach for a retreat. Should be fun.

Rediscovered this song on my iPod on the way down. It's a gem.

Take the time to listen.

Ouch.

Despite the long weekend and thus short work week,
the past few days have not been the greatest for me.
My back decided that it'd been too long since it made a fuss,
and apparently Sunday night seemed like a perfectly good time to start.

Ugh.

For those of you who don't know, I have scoliosis, which is a fancy way of saying that my spine is curved. I've known about it since I was eight, wore a back brace in middle school/high school to try to curb the progression, and then, when that didn't work, I had surgery to correct the curve in June 2009. It was an intense procedure. I was on the table for 9 hours, in the hospital for a week, and laid up for much of the summer recovering.

[before, my curve was about 85 degrees]

 [after, curve reduced to about 35 degrees] 

[side view, just because it's crazy] 

Although what I'm experiencing now is not the worst pain I've been in [the year after surgery had some pretty low points, but the pain I was in before surgery was even worse than that], to be honest I've been dealing with it a lot less gracefully than I have previously. I think it's been so long since I've struggled like this that I lost some of my tolerance for it. Monday night/Tuesday were definitely the worst. I was so frustrated with the lack of relief that every action seemed like a chore. Fortunately, Drew seems to have been given an extra helping of patience this week, which is nice because I wouldn't have blamed him for taking me by the shoulders and shaking me. While I hoped relief would come when I woke up this morning, it did not. Part of me wanted to scream, but it seems a bigger part of me has found some resolve and reminded me that I'm capable of pushing through this until it passes.

And so, I press on. And as this pain reminds me of what I have already survived, it also reminds me of how faithful God has been through that journey, and the things He has taught me. The biggest lesson I had to learn? Humility. Not much else you can do when you can't even get out of bed without someone's help, let alone feed or dress yourself. I was reminded of it again this morning, when I had to ask Drew to brush my hair for me. My parents, Drew, and friends and family have stepped up in a bit way. It's a difficult pill to swallow; I much prefer helping to being helped. But at the same time, I'd never felt more loved, and it is such a beautiful illustration of the way God loves me, too.

I would never wish pain on anyone. 

I also don't believe that God desires for His people to suffer.

But, pain happens. 

And what I do believe is that God works in the pain for the good of those He loves.

[this is a video a friend at Ashland made a few years ago,

where i tell a specific story about my recovery,

and a place where God taught me something.

watch if you have a minute.]

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Well... the cat is out of the bag.

As I alluded to in my first post, I knew some changes were coming for Drew and I in this upcoming year. This past week it became official, and yesterday we announced it to our students, so now we can share with the rest of the world.

First, some helpful background info: Drew is in the ordination process for the Lutheran church [for those of you who don't live at a seminary, that's the fancy way of saying he is working towards being a Pastor]. Part of that process is getting a Masters of Divinity, which is the degree he completed at Duke this past spring. However, since Duke is not a Lutheran seminary, he is required to take some additional Lutheran specific classes to complete this process before he can be ordained. This is something we were aware of and had prepared for. Our plan was for him to commute to the closest Lutheran seminary (which is in Columbia, SC) part time over the next two years to complete these courses. This would allow us to stay in Durham and for him to continue his work with Duke Lutherans. At the end of those two years, we would move somewhere for our "internship year" which is another part of the ordination process, and then he would officially be a Pastor. Huzzah.

As you might have guessed from the title of this post, however, some things have changed. In a turn of events that requires a lot of explaining [and possibly a strong drink] to get through, going to the seminary in SC part time is not a viable option. As we were not made aware of this fact until the weekend before classes started, that did not give us a lot of time to figure out an alternative. I'm not gonna lie, it was a very long weekend of discouragement and frustration. Fortunately, God is good. Drew's ordination committee from Ohio rallied around us, as did our local church here in Durham. Thanks to their advocacy and some compromise from the seminary, we have a new plan in place.

Thus, as of October 1, Drew will begin his internship year, serving as the "vicar" at St. Paul's here in Durham. St. Paul's, for those of you who don't know, is the church Drew is already employed at, the church that sponsors Duke Lutherans. This means that Drew will continue his work on campus, as well as pick up extra responsibilities at St. Paul's. The internship year for an ordination candidate is to immerse them in full-time ministry under the supervision of an experienced Pastor, and we are beyond pleased for that to be happening here at St. Paul's. If the past year of Drew working there had not been enough, the overwhelming support we received yesterday at church after it was announced was just further encouragement that we are in a good place, surrounded by good people.

On the other hand, this means that next summer, once internship is over, we will be leaving Durham in order for Drew to be a full-time student at a Lutheran seminary. After a year of full-time classes, he will be eligible for ordination and we will take our first call. Crazy, right?

While we are excited for ordination to be a full year closer, we are also aware of what we are giving up for that to happen. Our plan for Drew to commute for his classes wasn't ideal, but we chose it for a good reason: we wanted to stay here longer. We love Durham, Duke, our students and our community. We are invested in this place and these people, and we were so looking forward to living life here for two more years.

But, ordination is the goal. Better still, ordination is the call. So while we may not love all the steps to getting there, we know that pressing on towards that call is what we need to do.

So... we are going to enjoy every single second of this year. Retreats, worship, meals and fellowship with our students. The beautiful weather and amazing food that Durham offers. Enjoying and encouraging our friends as their own lives change. We are excited for what's ahead of us, this year and beyond. It'll be crazy, but it will be great :)

...except for packing the house. that won't be so great.

things worth sharing

Last night's post was long, so I'm gonna make this one short and sweet. Here are two things you should see today. One is happy, the other not so much, but please take the time for both.

They're just the cutest things I've ever seen. That glance to each other at the start? Melts my heart. I hope they grow up to be best friends.

The second is a Duke chronicle article. [Link here]
It's written by the mother of a student who was killed in an alcohol-related car accident last year.
Hurricane talk yesterday, and now a car crash. Sorry, not trying to be Debbie Downer. But this article is so worth the read, for anyone, but especially people who are students or are working with students.We see these accidents in the news, we feel bad for the victims and their families, but they don't often get more personal than that. This woman is speaking out so that others might be spared the suffering she has gone through. Please take a moment and read it, and say a prayer for this grieving mother and her family.

NOLA and John 10

As the title of this post suggests, I have had two things on my mind today.  
[Bear with me, I have a lot to say about this.]

John 10 came up because it's the Scripture that my Pastor is preaching on this week. I read it as I was working on the powerpoint, and a couple verses in particular struck me.

²⁴ The Jews gathered around him, saying, “How long will you keep us in suspense? If you are the Christ, tell us plainly.” ²⁵ Jesus answered, “I did tell you, but you do not believe. The miracles I do in my Father’s name speak for me, ²⁶ but you do not believe because you are not my sheep. ²⁷ My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. ²⁸ I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. 

Hurricane Isaac has made landfall in the gulf and is causing a lot of damage in New Orleans, as well as other places, on what happens to be the seventh anniversary of Katrina's destruction of that same area. [Check out the news] For those who don't know, NOLA holds a pretty dear place in my heart. I have been there four times post Katrina to do relief work, the most recent trip just this past March.

So where might these two thoughts connect? Well in first thinking about the passage I was stuck on what the Jews said in verse 24.  If you are the Christ, tell us plainly.  I think I can often relate to this sentiment. Be straight with me, Lord. Tell me who You are and what You're doing, because I can't figure it out. Christ's reply to the Jews is simple: I did tell you, but you do not believe.

Ouch.

The miracles I do in my Father’s name speak for me, ²⁶ but you do not believe because you are not my sheep. But of course, we're not like those people Jesus is talking to. They saw Jesus doing crazy miracles and they still didn't believe. If we had been there, we totally would have believed him. Right?

²⁷ My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. Today, in the midst of wondering who God is in the midst of my crazy life and this crazier world, I had to ask: Do I know His voice? Do I see His work?  While I have not had the privilege of seeing someone healed right in front of me,  I have to admit that I have seen/heard about Jesus doing some pretty extraordinary things in and through His people. In my four trips to NOLA I have gutted a house and helped restore another. I have served people food and listened to their stories. I have seen the 9th Ward transform to a place of destruction, to a vast empty space, to a growing community. I have been there a very short amount of time, but I have served next to amazing people who have committed their lives to God's restoration of that place and its people, and they have impacted me greatly. And, as if that weren't enough, the teams I served with bore wonderful and challenging friendships that have altered the course of my life. NOLA is more than a place I've been; it's a place that God used to utterly change me. It's a place where I saw His hands working. A place where I heard His voice speaking over His sheep.

So, after relating to the Jews and their question to Jesus, being convicted by Jesus' proclamation that He had already answered that question, and remembering the voice of the Good Shepherd and the works that He has done, I can come to the end of this passage and have hope for NOLA and those in Isaac's path. ²⁸ I give [my sheep] eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. 
 
At some point, the sun will rise and make plain what has been lost. There will be grief and anger and questions. Some will wonder where God was, others will call it His judgment. But here is the truth: Jesus does not abandon His sheep. The most amazing thing about New Orleans was not seeing how incredible the destruction was, but seeing the incredible ways in which God was moving because of the faithfulness of His people. The tragedy of Katrina was multiplied by the failure of the government and its rescue agencies in the immediate aftermath of the storm, and by the horrible stories of residents being scammed out of their money by fake contractors and the like. But I heard different stories. Like how the location of large church allowed them to partner with the National Guard and assist people within 72 hours of the storm. About how agencies like Samaritan's Purse and Operation Blessing were some of the first organizations to get to NOLA with food and supplies and people to help. How Lutheran World Relief set up camps to aid in the rebuilding effort, and are still there 7 years later. This is His work. This is what speaks for Him. Jesus does not abandon His sheep.


Please join me in praying for the people of New Orleans and along the coast where Isaac is hitting. Pray encouragement over our brothers and sisters in Christ who are being God's hands and feet in that place, and have been doing so for many years. It is through their faithfulness that I have heard the answer to my questions and doubts.  He has shown me plainly. He is the Christ.

Mood Swings

It's been one of those days [or years, let's be honest] when my mood changes so frequently I get whiplash.
One moment I'm feeling great, and the next I'm overwhelmed/frustrated/anxious because of the slightest event.

Sometimes, when I have a clear list of goals that need accomplishing, or people around to distract me, I can press on through the downward slopes.

Other times the feeling is so debilitating that I can't focus on anything, and usually lose myself in some kind of internet-induced coma, looking at a million useless things just to keep from losing myself in my own thoughts.

It's not a process I particularly enjoy.

I was feeling like this towards the end of work, and a song came on Pandora that helped me out a bit.
You are Good by Nichole Nordeman [well, not technically by her I don't think, but her version of it]

It's pretty. And the lyrics talk about how God is good through the good days and the bad. Sometimes [a lot of times] I need that reminder. I definitely needed it today.

Of course, my few hours after work proved to be challenging as well, which brought me home in a funk. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who made a delicious dinner, and in sitting down to write this post I listened to You Are Good again. Plus, I'm headed out to a piano concert at the Div. School, which should be excellent.

At the end of these blah days, I guess I'm just grateful that something as simple as a song, or a good meal, or getting to bask in the talents of other people can remind me that He is good.

With every breath I take in, I'll tell You I'm grateful again.