This and that, and other things as well

Sometimes I get into these phases where I'm motivated to write/create and share said creations with the internet.

Other times I suddenly feel like I have nothing to say and don't want to share anything with anybody, so I start a bunch of things and never finish them.

Such was the latter half of 2013 on this blog.

But today is a slow day at work, I have a bunch of thoughts swimming around in my head, and just enough motivation to put some words together. Huzzah!

Because... well why not?

Let's start with summing up 2013:

- Part of my hiatus from blogging is because I changed jobs in November! I've been working through a temp agency here in Columbia since I moved here over the summer, and in November my "temp-to-hire" position at the law office turned into "unfortunately, just a temp" position. So two weeks before Thanksgiving, I was suddenly job searching again. Super fun, let me tell you. But, God is good, as is my temp agency, and I was unemployed only 2 days before accepting a new position where I have been working ever since! Thus, I went from being a receptionist at a law firm, where I mostly did nothing for most of the time, to working customer service for a retail company during the busiest shopping month of the year. 

And now, a PSA from a Customer Service representative:

As I have just survived my first holiday season as a retail customer service person, I would like to share with you an observation that isn't very profound but that everyone should understand:

 Most companies are not Amazon/Apple/giant corporations with unlimited resources and employees: 

Support small businesses! It's great! But understand that being a small business means that they don't necessarily have 24-hour customer service, or hundreds of employees filling orders, or the ability to get you what you want the day after you order it. And yelling at whoever answers the 800 number you found on their website won't change that. In addition, said person on the Customer Service line probably had nothing to do with whatever mistake was made on your order, nor do they have any control over the Postal Service/UPS. Just so you know.

I feel you, Michel. I feel you.

But seriously, I'm really enjoying my new job. The office is full of fabulous people, I do enjoy being busy and learning new things, and many of the customers I talk to are very nice. Plus (shameless plug) some of the stuff they sell is super cute. Check it out.

- Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years were spent with family. So many loved ones, never enough time, but it was such a blessing to get to see everyone. Especially our dear little ones.

And now, it's 2014:

- This is the year folks. This year, Drew finishes school [for now] and [if everything goes according to plan] will be ordained. The qualifiers are simply because the Lord likes to laugh at our plans, and saying anything definitively makes me nervous ;) But seriously, it's happening. All these things we've been talking about for the past 4+ years are finally coming to fruition. Drew has been approved, the draft for our regional placement will happen next month, synod assignment will happen after that, and in a few months time, Drew should be interviewing at churches. And then this will be our life.

THE FIRST THING ANYONE EVER SAYS 
TO A TWENTY-SOMETHING PASTOR

- Lastly, today is our 2nd Staniversary. Yep, we're pathetic adorable.
But seriously, this guy.

Today, as we celebrate having this cutie in our family for 2 years, I am once again thankful for the wonderful people who found him as a puppy and cared for him until we adopted him. And I'm grateful for the people all over the country who have stepped up this week to find shelter for strays in the places that are experiencing such terrible weather.


There it is. The blog has made it to a new year. Happy 2014, y'all :)

Marvel and Frozen crossover. For reasons.
From here.

Cousins

Maybe it's because I've been anticipating this weekend with my parents, or perhaps because Brother Bear's wedding is already 2.5 months gone, and it'll be another 2.5 months until we're in Fredonia again, but I am missing my cousins A LOT lately.

My sweet cousin, Alissa, shared this old photo this morning, 

prompting a lot of nostalgia and thus, this post :)

If I'm remembering the stat correctly, my dad has 26 first cousins on his dad's side, and three living siblings in addition to that [anyone wanna check my math?]. In case you're wondering, that makes for very large family reunions. Though many have moved away at one point or another, my dad and all his siblings, and several of his cousins ended up back in Fredonia, where I grew up, when they settled down and had kids.

What's so funny [ironic? sad? just a fact of life?] to me today is that many people whom I consider to be good friends have little to no idea about my crazy extended family and what a huge part of my life they are. Even as I write this, I can't talk about what being a "Conti" meant without first clarifying that Conti is my maiden name, because there are many who have never known me as anything but Michelle Tucker. Growing up and moving around is weird like that, isn't it? But that's another topic for another post. Today, I'm reminiscing about these amazing family members who are also some of my dearest friends.

To be a Conti in Fredonia was a thing. I'm the second oldest of 11 [soon to be 12!] grandchildren in my dad's family, currently ranging in age from 25 to 2 years old [or, fetus if you're counting the 12th :P]. The older seven of us were all within 5 grades of each other, and we went to the same school. Adding to the mix my second-cousins, I had at least one cousin in the four grades ahead of me, and the four grades below me, and three who graduated with me. If that isn't crazy enough for you, a good number of us also lived on the same road. As in, all of my neighbors were related to me.  A number of my aunts and uncles either taught or coached sports in the school district. One owns a health club downtown. My grandpa has been a farmer in town for most of his adult life. On several occasions people at school asked me to draw up a family tree so they could figure out exactly how I was related to this cousin or that teacher. When I introduced myself to somebody new, it was probable that once I said my last name there would be some recognition, for better or for worse. 

I've talked before about how my brother and I are pretty close, and how I being at Ashland together made me realize how abnormal that was, but even growing up I was never under any delusion that the situation with my extended family was "normal." While many of my friends only saw their cousins for holidays or special events, I saw mine all the time. We had our own friend groups and niches, but inevitably our activities and experiences were interwoven. Bus rides, choir, sports practices and rides home were most often shared with at least one cousin.  We sang in church and ate spaghetti at Nana's almost every Sunday. In the summers we did chores, had sleepovers, explored the creek, went to camp and had bonfires together.  When the younger cousins came along, they became our first babysitting victims charges. We weren't just family, we were friends, classmates, cheerleaders and, occasionally, adversaries. It wasn't normal, 

it wasn't perfect, but man was it fun :)

How do you transition from being so intertwined in the lives of this many to seeing them 2-3 times a year? Not easily. 6 seasons since I left Fredonia and I still hate that I can't watch Alissa's XC meet this weekend, despite how vividly I can remember the discomfort of being outside all day to watch her run in high school when there was 2 feet of snow on the ground. For all the hours and days I spent at soccer games or wrestling tournaments for the older boys, I hate that I may never get to see Sammy play for his high school team, or watch Jules march with the band. I especially hate that I can probably count on two hands the number of times I've seen Patrick since he's been born, and the same will probably be true for the new baby in her first 2 years. It may be normal for many people to only share in the accomplishments of their extended family from afar, but it still does not feel normal to me.

The grandchildren, plus spouses :)

I've loved the past 6 years since I graduated from high school, and I don't regret my choices to go away to college or the moves that followed. But I will never stop missing these dear people when I'm away from them, and I wouldn't want to. Missing them is hard, but I feel so incredibly blessed that I have so much to miss.

Sometimes you forget to blog for a month...

Welp... it's August now.

How'd that happen?

July was full of travel and family and exciting things, which was awesome. But now I am happy to say that I am staying put in Columbia for awhile. And that Drew will be here for good tomorrow. AND that I've found a full-time job here as a receptionist at a law firm. Boom! I'm so glad to be done with the application/interview process. Definitely not my favorite thing. It is weird/intimidating to be the new girl at the office, but everyone is really nice, and I think that I'll be able to enjoy myself.

August means the start of classes, and we will for sure be missing our Dukies, but I'm excited for the official start to our Lutheran year and all of the craziness that involves. We've met some great people here and I'm excited about the community we will form while we are here. And as fast as this summer has gone by, I know that the spring and all the changes that come with that will be here in a flash.

But as for the lost month, I still can't believe it's over. Our nephew was baptized, Brother Bear got MARRIED! I got to spend a night at Camp Findley, and see a lot of family. It was an exhausting and amazing couple of weeks. Of course the camera got left in Drew's car, which is why I haven't posted any pictures yet (sorry Mom!) but in the meantime, I do have this one :)

My baby cousin is cuter than yours :P

Happy Monday!

I once was blind...

I’ve had a draft of this started since February, but I just never got around to writing it. I suppose that’s convenient for me, not writing the post that might be more revealing than I want it to be. But really, I think I flatter myself to think too many people actually care what I have to say. And, in general, I shouldn’t let fear of embarrassment stop me from expressing something that God’s put on my heart.

So…

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about high school: who I was, what I did, who I was with. I don’t think I’m the only one who thinks back to those adolescent years and feels embarrassed about one thing or another. But, it isn’t the normal things that are making me blush. It isn’t the incredibly wrong answer in class, or the awkward conversation with an upper classman, or line-dancing in gym class stuck on repeat in my mind. No, in my mind, the thing about my high school self I am most embarrassed about is the way I lived my faith.

I was a good kid. I don’t say that to flatter myself or to be self-righteous, it’s just the truth. I had good parents, and when it came to the stuff that really mattered, I listened to them. I went to church and I liked it. I didn’t party because I didn’t want to.  I was respectful to my teachers, and I tried to be nice to people. In general, people knew I was a Christian. I didn’t go around handing tracts out or anything, but it’s not something I hid. And that was fine; I wasn’t embarrassed about my faith. I had a lot of friends who shared my beliefs, and those who didn’t believe the same way I did never made me feel inferior.

What’s the problem then, you ask?

I once was blind… but I thought I could see.

High schoolers think they know everything, when in fact they know very little. This is a truth generally accepted by everybody who is not in high school. I was no exception, especially when it came to religion.

And while there is something valuable about being sure of one’s faith, so that it can withstand trials and doubts cast by the world, there is something incredibly dangerous about being so sure that you understand something that you have no business thinking you understand.

In my fairly perfect high school world, God fit into a neat little box, wrapped in a bow of all the Sunday school lessons, youth conventions, and Christian books I read. I knew the way the world was supposed to work; I had all the clichés under my belt. I may not have always been brave enough to “witness” to non-Christians, but when I did I was sure I knew the God whom I was sharing. I could work my way through a debate on any number of hot topics, carefully spouting the words of those whom I had read or heard and believed because they seemed trustworthy.

I don’t want to be too hard on my high school self. She was a product of her circumstances. She didn’t have all the experiences I can now draw upon. She didn’t know any better. And I’m not saying that everything I was taught about God as a child was wrong. On the contrary, the foundation of my faith comes from my childhood and I am so grateful for the people who introduced me to Jesus. The problem with High School Michelle is that she didn’t know there was anything different than what she had seen, heard, and experienced.

I once was blind… and now I know it.

When I left high school, things changed. I met people whose worlds’ were completely different than mine. I found new people to disciple me who were intelligent and faithful but believed different things than I had been taught, and even sometimes disagreed with each other. I learned that it was okay to question ideas that I thought were undeniable truths. I discovered that God is so much bigger than my high school self ever fathomed, and that His grace reaches so much farther than I ever let it before.

Again the question arises: “What’s your problem, Michelle?” I’m not the only person who changed after high school. I can’t be the only one who cringes when thinking about the things I believed and the way I acted as a teenager.

Yet, I’m still embarrassed about High School Michelle. Embarrassed because I was ignorant about the world and about God, but arrogant enough to think I knew everything about both.

I don’t know what my high school peers remember about me or about my faith, but I so strongly hope that they have had a better witness of Christ’s love in their lives than what I was when they knew me. That when they think about Christianity, my naïve 17-year-old self is not the example that comes first to mind. I may not have gone around verbally condemning people for their sins, but the limits my ignorance put on God’s love for His creation are so heartbreakingly clear to me when I think about it now. I’m sad to think about how my self-assuredness may have turned people away from God, because the religion I was demonstrating did not account for the realities of their lives.

I’m not looking for a pat on the back, or reassurance that “It’s okay, it wasn’t really that bad.” I can admit my shortcomings because I know God is big enough to overcome the faults of High School Michelle. And honestly, most of the people I feel I did wrong by will never see this. That’s okay. I still wanted to share it, if for no other reason than to humble myself a bit, and then to finally get over it.

I once was blind… but now I see? I don’t know, I still feel pretty blind most of the time. But I know that now. I’ll admit to my blindness, and trust that Jesus is restoring my sight. Slowly, but surely.

Rolling with the punches

I had hoped to get back into blogging when we got back from Mexico, but of course life started up again and life is crazy and here we finally are, 2+ weeks later. I do intend to blog a bit about our trip and experience there, but first I wanted to give y'all an update on what's going on in our lives.

You may remember way back in the fall I posted about some changes to our plan in regards to life and ministry and Drew's schooling. Well, life and the Lord are keeping us on our toes, and our schedule for the summer has once again changed. Our apartment lease is up in May and for a number of reasons we cannot extend it through the summer, so we will be packing up our apartment and moving our possessions down to Columbia, South Carolina (where Drew will be going to school in the fall) the second week of May. I am currently in the process of searching for jobs down there, and will plan to relocate once I find one. Drew, however, is obligated to be in Durham until August. Thankfully, we are blessed with friends who have agreed to host him/us for the summer months, so we will not be sleeping in a tent.

While figuring all this out has caused us a bit of stress over the last few weeks, I know we have much to be grateful for. We had no trouble getting into an apartment on campus, despite it being earlier than we had originally planned. Plus, the apartments are nice and affordable and literally right on campus, so that will be very convenient. Also, my awesome husband was fortunate enough to be hired for Duke Youth Academy in June. DYA is a two-week program for high school students sponsored by the Divinity School here. Drew will be part of the staff which includes living on campus with the students and being a leader/teacher. The extra income will be a huge blessing, but moreover it will be a great experience for him and I couldn't be more proud.

So along with the beautiful weather April will [hopefully] bring, it will also bring boxes and packing, resumes and interviews, and a lot of goodbyes that I am not looking forward to. We would so appreciate your prayers as we wrap things up with our students at Duke, as we pack and move, and as I start the job application process.

Ouch.

Despite the long weekend and thus short work week,
the past few days have not been the greatest for me.
My back decided that it'd been too long since it made a fuss,
and apparently Sunday night seemed like a perfectly good time to start.

Ugh.

For those of you who don't know, I have scoliosis, which is a fancy way of saying that my spine is curved. I've known about it since I was eight, wore a back brace in middle school/high school to try to curb the progression, and then, when that didn't work, I had surgery to correct the curve in June 2009. It was an intense procedure. I was on the table for 9 hours, in the hospital for a week, and laid up for much of the summer recovering.

[before, my curve was about 85 degrees]

 [after, curve reduced to about 35 degrees] 

[side view, just because it's crazy] 

Although what I'm experiencing now is not the worst pain I've been in [the year after surgery had some pretty low points, but the pain I was in before surgery was even worse than that], to be honest I've been dealing with it a lot less gracefully than I have previously. I think it's been so long since I've struggled like this that I lost some of my tolerance for it. Monday night/Tuesday were definitely the worst. I was so frustrated with the lack of relief that every action seemed like a chore. Fortunately, Drew seems to have been given an extra helping of patience this week, which is nice because I wouldn't have blamed him for taking me by the shoulders and shaking me. While I hoped relief would come when I woke up this morning, it did not. Part of me wanted to scream, but it seems a bigger part of me has found some resolve and reminded me that I'm capable of pushing through this until it passes.

And so, I press on. And as this pain reminds me of what I have already survived, it also reminds me of how faithful God has been through that journey, and the things He has taught me. The biggest lesson I had to learn? Humility. Not much else you can do when you can't even get out of bed without someone's help, let alone feed or dress yourself. I was reminded of it again this morning, when I had to ask Drew to brush my hair for me. My parents, Drew, and friends and family have stepped up in a bit way. It's a difficult pill to swallow; I much prefer helping to being helped. But at the same time, I'd never felt more loved, and it is such a beautiful illustration of the way God loves me, too.

I would never wish pain on anyone. 

I also don't believe that God desires for His people to suffer.

But, pain happens. 

And what I do believe is that God works in the pain for the good of those He loves.

[this is a video a friend at Ashland made a few years ago,

where i tell a specific story about my recovery,

and a place where God taught me something.

watch if you have a minute.]

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Well... the cat is out of the bag.

As I alluded to in my first post, I knew some changes were coming for Drew and I in this upcoming year. This past week it became official, and yesterday we announced it to our students, so now we can share with the rest of the world.

First, some helpful background info: Drew is in the ordination process for the Lutheran church [for those of you who don't live at a seminary, that's the fancy way of saying he is working towards being a Pastor]. Part of that process is getting a Masters of Divinity, which is the degree he completed at Duke this past spring. However, since Duke is not a Lutheran seminary, he is required to take some additional Lutheran specific classes to complete this process before he can be ordained. This is something we were aware of and had prepared for. Our plan was for him to commute to the closest Lutheran seminary (which is in Columbia, SC) part time over the next two years to complete these courses. This would allow us to stay in Durham and for him to continue his work with Duke Lutherans. At the end of those two years, we would move somewhere for our "internship year" which is another part of the ordination process, and then he would officially be a Pastor. Huzzah.

As you might have guessed from the title of this post, however, some things have changed. In a turn of events that requires a lot of explaining [and possibly a strong drink] to get through, going to the seminary in SC part time is not a viable option. As we were not made aware of this fact until the weekend before classes started, that did not give us a lot of time to figure out an alternative. I'm not gonna lie, it was a very long weekend of discouragement and frustration. Fortunately, God is good. Drew's ordination committee from Ohio rallied around us, as did our local church here in Durham. Thanks to their advocacy and some compromise from the seminary, we have a new plan in place.

Thus, as of October 1, Drew will begin his internship year, serving as the "vicar" at St. Paul's here in Durham. St. Paul's, for those of you who don't know, is the church Drew is already employed at, the church that sponsors Duke Lutherans. This means that Drew will continue his work on campus, as well as pick up extra responsibilities at St. Paul's. The internship year for an ordination candidate is to immerse them in full-time ministry under the supervision of an experienced Pastor, and we are beyond pleased for that to be happening here at St. Paul's. If the past year of Drew working there had not been enough, the overwhelming support we received yesterday at church after it was announced was just further encouragement that we are in a good place, surrounded by good people.

On the other hand, this means that next summer, once internship is over, we will be leaving Durham in order for Drew to be a full-time student at a Lutheran seminary. After a year of full-time classes, he will be eligible for ordination and we will take our first call. Crazy, right?

While we are excited for ordination to be a full year closer, we are also aware of what we are giving up for that to happen. Our plan for Drew to commute for his classes wasn't ideal, but we chose it for a good reason: we wanted to stay here longer. We love Durham, Duke, our students and our community. We are invested in this place and these people, and we were so looking forward to living life here for two more years.

But, ordination is the goal. Better still, ordination is the call. So while we may not love all the steps to getting there, we know that pressing on towards that call is what we need to do.

So... we are going to enjoy every single second of this year. Retreats, worship, meals and fellowship with our students. The beautiful weather and amazing food that Durham offers. Enjoying and encouraging our friends as their own lives change. We are excited for what's ahead of us, this year and beyond. It'll be crazy, but it will be great :)

...except for packing the house. that won't be so great.

An explanation

choosing{life} is what i decided to call this blog.
i thought it deserved some explanation.
[because no, it is not a veiled pro-life reference.]

it comes from a passage of Scripture that has come up again and again in my life over the past year and a half. i think i first heard it at a Duke Lutherans worship.

Deuteronomy 30:15-20

15 See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, death and adversity. ¹⁶If you obey the commandments of the Lord your God that I am commanding you today, by loving the Lord your God, walking in his ways, and observing his commandments, decrees, and ordinances, then you shall live and become numerous, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land that you are entering to possess. ¹⁷But if your heart turns away and you do not hear, but are led astray to bow down to other gods and serve them, ¹⁸I declare to you today that you shall perish; you shall not live long in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess. ¹⁹I call heaven and earth to witness against you today that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live, ²⁰loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and holding fast to him; for that means life to you and length of days, so that you may live in the land that the Lord swore to give to your ancestors, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.

two options: life or death.
obeying, loving, and observing leads to life.
turning away leads to death.
walking with Him means living in the Promised Land. it means having a future.
disobeying Him means never reaching that which you were made for,
even if you can see it right in front of you.

this passage has resurfaced in my mind on many occasions,
and it's something i never want to forget.
i'm putting it here so i can be reminded.

it's a choice He's given us.
choose{life}