You can have the best of me

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Wilderness

I've been doing a photo challenge for Lent, and the word for today is wilderness. As I thought about what picture to take, I ended up with a whole bunch of thoughts about the word and its use in Scripture and the way we talk about our spiritual lives. My journal entry for the day is a hot mess of all of those thoughts, and I thought perhaps blogging about it would help me make more sense of it. As I've written and rewritten sentences and paragraphs several times over, I'm not sure about it making more sense. But let's give it a go anyway.

 

When we talk about being "in the wilderness" in our spiritual lives, I think we're often thinking about that last definition: "a position of disfavor." There are times we feel lost, wandering aimlessly, out of favor with the world or even with God. We call it the wilderness. If we are self aware enough, we know that there are lessons to be learned and growth that needs to happen. But, let's be honest, our prayer in those times is to be led to the other side of the wilderness, to reach a land that is safe, fruitful, and familiar. Being in the wilderness is something we look to be delivered from, not to dwell in.

In the sermons/teachings about wilderness that I can recall, most have made use of the story in the New Testament about Jesus' time in the wilderness, as told in Matthew 4. After Jesus was baptized by John, Jesus goes into the wilderness, where He fasted and was tempted. We seek to relate to this story about Jesus when we're feeling "in the wilderness" ourselves. We look for comfort it in, whether it's in holding onto the idea that our Lord knows what we're feeling, or trusting that our time in the wilderness will come to an end, as His did. And that's good and fine, I think. But in my own self-reflection, I'm feeling that this isn't the best wilderness story to which we can relate.

In the Old Testament, we read that the Israelites were made to wander in the wilderness for 40 years before entering the promised land. In fact, while the English name for the book of Numbers comes from the censuses that are recorded within the story, the Hebrew name for the book is translated "In the Wilderness," because it documents the peoples wanderings. To make a long story short, after being freed from Egypt and seeing many miraculous signs from God, the people still doubted and sinned against God. And so, the people were punished to wander in the desert until an entire generation had passed away before they could go to the place which God had prepared for them.

There are things about my wrestling with this word and these scriptures today that are complicated, and some things that are very simple. The truth of the matter is, I would like to believe my time in the wilderness is akin to the New Testament story, when, in fact, it is much more like the Old Testament one.

Let me back up. See, the difficulty I've always had with Jesus' story is the part about the Spirit. "Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil," Matthew says. Jesus goes from hearing the Father speak over Him and the Spirit descending on Him, to being utterly alone in a desolate place, physically weakened and encountering the enemy. The Spirit actually led Him into that place of struggle. My problem has always been in hating that Jesus had done nothing wrong, and still had to wander in that way. It is probably [read: most definitely] ridiculous to dwell on that when, you know, that is true of His entire time on this planet. But it still always gives me pause.

On the other hand, the Israelites made their own bed. They complained and argued and did, like, exactly the opposite of what God told them to do. They were freed from their bondage, delivered from their enemy, literally fed from the heavens, and still they broke every promise they made. And so, they wandered. And, you know, that makes more sense to me.

What's convicting me? I am the Israelites. Much of my wanderings are consequences of my actions, my sin. I have no doubt that the Spirit leads me, that there is testing, growth and refinement in the midst of struggle. But I am not blameless. I cannot pretend that the wilderness is something I've been unfairly led into. As much as I'd prefer to shirk responsibility, the truth is that every time I choose my anger, pride, or selfish desires over the love, humility and compassion that Christ asks of me, I create the uninhabitable place through which I must then walk.

This could end quite depressingly, but it won't. Because in 40 years of wandering in the desert, but the Israelites were never alone. On the contrary, God continued to struggle with them, providing for them, fighting for them, and eventually bringing them to the place God had promised them.

Because despite how fantastically I make mistakes, Jesus is quite fantastic at forgiving them.

And so, we pray.

This time last week we were counting down the hours until we would receive our regional assignment. Drew was in Texas when he got the call, and I was at work, so this is how I found out:

So that's it, folks. Looks like the Tuckers are gonna be southerners for a few more years :)

And with that question answered, there are a million more to ask. But last night we gathered with Drew's fellow seniors and worshipped and prayed together as we marked this important step in a process which, though at times has seemed never-ending, is in fact drawing to a close. And it was another beautiful reminder of this fantastic community that we have found ourselves so graciously welcomed into this year.  I can so vividly remember the anxiety that plagued me when our plans suddenly changed to include a year here in Columbia, but I am so grateful for the time we've had here.

And so, with that unnecessary but at the same time very necessary reminder that God is in fact taking care of us in every way, it's incredibly exciting to pray for Drew and his classmates, and to dream about the months to come and everything they will bring.

So, go ahead of us, Lord, as winter turns into spring, as midterms turn into finals, as the to-do lists are marked off and syllabi are completed. Because despite how much is still left to be done, this semester will end and a new adventure awaits.

Give us patience, Spirit, when we would rather wish away the days and weeks, ready to be done with everything that comes with being a student. Because education, let alone an advanced degree, is a privilege denied to many, and there will not often be the opportunity to learn at this level once this time is over.

Watch over us, Father, in conversations with Bishops and Synod Offices, in phone calls with call committees, in the nerves that come with interviews and the uncertainty in decision making. Because the process can be stressful, the responsibility daunting, and on our own we can't possibly hope to know what to do.

Thank you, God, for synod staff who look out for us, for families and friends praying for us, for peers who can celebrate and commiserate with us. Because it is within the Body of Christ that we see, hear and know You in new and exciting ways.

Be with us always, Jesus, and especially now. As we close this chapter and begin a new one. In the final all-nighters of studying and days in the classroom. In shared meals and time with friends that have become dear. As paperwork is distributed and calls are extended. As boxes are packed and moving trucks rented. As we say goodbye to this place, and hello to something new.

For peace when there is anxiety, focus when things just need to get done, wisdom in conversation, discernment in the process, joy in the moment, love in community, and a cool breeze on the inevitably sweltering summer day when we once again pack our life into a truck trailer and drive away, we pray.

And You hear our prayer.

Seven

Coming to the end of my second snow day of 2014.
And I have another one tomorrow.
Yep. Snow day. From work. In South Carolina.

The world is a crazy place.

The blog has once again been forsaken the past month due to life happening outside of the world wide web. But two snow days in a row means I have some free time! So, since I'm sure you're wondering what's been on my mind for the past month, it's mostly been this:

Regional Assignment is in 7 days. 7 DAYS PEOPLE!

The beginning of the end. It seems like we've been waiting forever for this ordination process to come to completion, but now that the end is upon us, it's almost startling.  Regional assignment first, then we'll get a synod placement, and then (Lord willing) at some point this summer, we'll find a call and Drew will be ordained.

Ordination

Ok, probably [hopefully] not, but it's still funny :P

In light of this impending [life-altering yet completely out of our control] decision, we've been thinking a lot about where we'll be in 6 months. It seems that our two most likely options are either back in Ohio, or in the Carolinas. In general, we've been pretty back and forth about where we would like to end up. Ohio would mean being closer to both our families. But, we have fallen in love with the Carolinas. Plus, the temperatures in Ohio the past month have been consistently in the negatives. Which is gross. So this is definitely not a time of the year that I want to think about being back up there. But alas, it is not up to us. And we are excited for whatever comes wherever we end up being assigned.

So, yeah. 7 days.

Not freaking out. Not freaking out. Maybe freaking out a little.

This and that, and other things as well

Sometimes I get into these phases where I'm motivated to write/create and share said creations with the internet.

Other times I suddenly feel like I have nothing to say and don't want to share anything with anybody, so I start a bunch of things and never finish them.

Such was the latter half of 2013 on this blog.

But today is a slow day at work, I have a bunch of thoughts swimming around in my head, and just enough motivation to put some words together. Huzzah!

Because... well why not?

Let's start with summing up 2013:

- Part of my hiatus from blogging is because I changed jobs in November! I've been working through a temp agency here in Columbia since I moved here over the summer, and in November my "temp-to-hire" position at the law office turned into "unfortunately, just a temp" position. So two weeks before Thanksgiving, I was suddenly job searching again. Super fun, let me tell you. But, God is good, as is my temp agency, and I was unemployed only 2 days before accepting a new position where I have been working ever since! Thus, I went from being a receptionist at a law firm, where I mostly did nothing for most of the time, to working customer service for a retail company during the busiest shopping month of the year. 

And now, a PSA from a Customer Service representative:

As I have just survived my first holiday season as a retail customer service person, I would like to share with you an observation that isn't very profound but that everyone should understand:

 Most companies are not Amazon/Apple/giant corporations with unlimited resources and employees: 

Support small businesses! It's great! But understand that being a small business means that they don't necessarily have 24-hour customer service, or hundreds of employees filling orders, or the ability to get you what you want the day after you order it. And yelling at whoever answers the 800 number you found on their website won't change that. In addition, said person on the Customer Service line probably had nothing to do with whatever mistake was made on your order, nor do they have any control over the Postal Service/UPS. Just so you know.

I feel you, Michel. I feel you.

But seriously, I'm really enjoying my new job. The office is full of fabulous people, I do enjoy being busy and learning new things, and many of the customers I talk to are very nice. Plus (shameless plug) some of the stuff they sell is super cute. Check it out.

- Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years were spent with family. So many loved ones, never enough time, but it was such a blessing to get to see everyone. Especially our dear little ones.

And now, it's 2014:

- This is the year folks. This year, Drew finishes school [for now] and [if everything goes according to plan] will be ordained. The qualifiers are simply because the Lord likes to laugh at our plans, and saying anything definitively makes me nervous ;) But seriously, it's happening. All these things we've been talking about for the past 4+ years are finally coming to fruition. Drew has been approved, the draft for our regional placement will happen next month, synod assignment will happen after that, and in a few months time, Drew should be interviewing at churches. And then this will be our life.

THE FIRST THING ANYONE EVER SAYS 
TO A TWENTY-SOMETHING PASTOR

- Lastly, today is our 2nd Staniversary. Yep, we're pathetic adorable.
But seriously, this guy.

Today, as we celebrate having this cutie in our family for 2 years, I am once again thankful for the wonderful people who found him as a puppy and cared for him until we adopted him. And I'm grateful for the people all over the country who have stepped up this week to find shelter for strays in the places that are experiencing such terrible weather.


There it is. The blog has made it to a new year. Happy 2014, y'all :)

Marvel and Frozen crossover. For reasons.
From here.

I'm just in love with other people's words

1) From here. 2) From here. 3) From here. 4) From here. 5) From here. 6) From here. 7) From here. 8) From here. 9) From here. 10) From here. 11) From here. 12) From here. 13) From here.

Cousins

Maybe it's because I've been anticipating this weekend with my parents, or perhaps because Brother Bear's wedding is already 2.5 months gone, and it'll be another 2.5 months until we're in Fredonia again, but I am missing my cousins A LOT lately.

My sweet cousin, Alissa, shared this old photo this morning, 

prompting a lot of nostalgia and thus, this post :)

If I'm remembering the stat correctly, my dad has 26 first cousins on his dad's side, and three living siblings in addition to that [anyone wanna check my math?]. In case you're wondering, that makes for very large family reunions. Though many have moved away at one point or another, my dad and all his siblings, and several of his cousins ended up back in Fredonia, where I grew up, when they settled down and had kids.

What's so funny [ironic? sad? just a fact of life?] to me today is that many people whom I consider to be good friends have little to no idea about my crazy extended family and what a huge part of my life they are. Even as I write this, I can't talk about what being a "Conti" meant without first clarifying that Conti is my maiden name, because there are many who have never known me as anything but Michelle Tucker. Growing up and moving around is weird like that, isn't it? But that's another topic for another post. Today, I'm reminiscing about these amazing family members who are also some of my dearest friends.

To be a Conti in Fredonia was a thing. I'm the second oldest of 11 [soon to be 12!] grandchildren in my dad's family, currently ranging in age from 25 to 2 years old [or, fetus if you're counting the 12th :P]. The older seven of us were all within 5 grades of each other, and we went to the same school. Adding to the mix my second-cousins, I had at least one cousin in the four grades ahead of me, and the four grades below me, and three who graduated with me. If that isn't crazy enough for you, a good number of us also lived on the same road. As in, all of my neighbors were related to me.  A number of my aunts and uncles either taught or coached sports in the school district. One owns a health club downtown. My grandpa has been a farmer in town for most of his adult life. On several occasions people at school asked me to draw up a family tree so they could figure out exactly how I was related to this cousin or that teacher. When I introduced myself to somebody new, it was probable that once I said my last name there would be some recognition, for better or for worse. 

I've talked before about how my brother and I are pretty close, and how I being at Ashland together made me realize how abnormal that was, but even growing up I was never under any delusion that the situation with my extended family was "normal." While many of my friends only saw their cousins for holidays or special events, I saw mine all the time. We had our own friend groups and niches, but inevitably our activities and experiences were interwoven. Bus rides, choir, sports practices and rides home were most often shared with at least one cousin.  We sang in church and ate spaghetti at Nana's almost every Sunday. In the summers we did chores, had sleepovers, explored the creek, went to camp and had bonfires together.  When the younger cousins came along, they became our first babysitting victims charges. We weren't just family, we were friends, classmates, cheerleaders and, occasionally, adversaries. It wasn't normal, 

it wasn't perfect, but man was it fun :)

How do you transition from being so intertwined in the lives of this many to seeing them 2-3 times a year? Not easily. 6 seasons since I left Fredonia and I still hate that I can't watch Alissa's XC meet this weekend, despite how vividly I can remember the discomfort of being outside all day to watch her run in high school when there was 2 feet of snow on the ground. For all the hours and days I spent at soccer games or wrestling tournaments for the older boys, I hate that I may never get to see Sammy play for his high school team, or watch Jules march with the band. I especially hate that I can probably count on two hands the number of times I've seen Patrick since he's been born, and the same will probably be true for the new baby in her first 2 years. It may be normal for many people to only share in the accomplishments of their extended family from afar, but it still does not feel normal to me.

The grandchildren, plus spouses :)

I've loved the past 6 years since I graduated from high school, and I don't regret my choices to go away to college or the moves that followed. But I will never stop missing these dear people when I'm away from them, and I wouldn't want to. Missing them is hard, but I feel so incredibly blessed that I have so much to miss.